As an Uber driver for the local bar crowds, I've come to expect things to get crazy occasionally. In this third installment of "The Uber Life", I'll let you know about all the recent wackiness I've gotten to experience.
One Saturday morning, around 2am, I received a call to a local bar, where I picked up an older Caucasian gentleman and his younger African American, male friend. I would guess their ages to have been around 65 & 30ish. As I drove them to their destination, we made small talk. Once we were close to the drop off location, there was a bit of silence, then out of nowhere, the older man says, "Ok, who's f*#^ing who first tonight?" I sat there in a bit of shock and disbelief. I quickly tried to process the proposition I had received. I needed to answer quickly, so as not to give them the impression I was contemplating acceptance of their menajahcal offer. I replied, "I'm gonna make this easy for you guys, I'm gonna drop you off and head home to my wife." Dirty Grandpa responded by saying, "Well, I guess we'll have fun without you." I dropped them off and called it a night.
There are times when I'm out driving, when I get hungry around midnight or after. I was in line at McDonald's around 12:30am when I received a ride request. I accepted and sent a text to my rider, asking if they wanted food. They responded that they did not. When I arrived, there were 3 guys and a girl. After entering my vehicle, the girl said, "now I wish we would have gotten food." I offered her some of what I had ordered, and she accepted the french fries. I dropped them off and she gave me a nice tip and a great rating with feedback.
The next night, around 1:00 am, I received a request as I was nearing a Taco Bell. I decided to text the riders and ask if they wanted anything, even though I wasn't planning to eat. The guy replied via text, "Hell Yeah!!!" He requested a chicken quesadilla. I picked up the food, then picked up two men. They had both had their fill of adult beverages for the evening. The guy that ordered the ride, jumped in the front seat. He said, "The food is for fatty in the back." I handed the second man his chicken quesadilla. He was so excited. You would have thought I'd just given him a bag full of gifts on Christmas morning. I dropped them off and the kid handed me a $20 bill for picking up his $4 quesadilla.
Last weekend, one of the kids left a bottle of silly string in my car. I put the bottle in a storage compartment on top of my dash and forgot about it. I decided to sweep out our garage, so I pulled my car out into the drive. After I was done, I left the car to bake under the sun. Later that evening, I told everyone to load up into the car, so we could go out to eat. My son came running back into the house. "Dad, someone dropped cupcakes all over the backseat.", He says. I had no clue what he was talking about, so I went to investigate. The front windshield was plastered with a pink substance. I instantly realized, the can of silly string must have exploded, and it had. It completely blew the compartment door off and silly string was everywhere. It took us about an hour to clean it out. The car had a weird chemical smell.
Later that night, as I was Ubering, I picked up and dropped off two young guys. As I waited for my next request, I saw they had left negative feedback. They gave me a 1 star rating and stated that my car stunk and I had bad hygiene! Anyone who knows me, can testify, I would never have hygiene issues, so I was pretty pissed off about it. I went back in on the Uber app, and changed the 5-star rating I had given to a 1 star rating. The rest of the night, I had to explain to my passengers, the silly string mishap and what was said about my hygiene. I received all 5-star ratings and several tips the rest of the night.
There is a new bar in town called "Club Rodeo". It's owned by the same people that ran "Cowboys 2000" back in my day. It's located in a building in the middle of nowhere, which used to be a Bingo hall. The place is packed Wednesday through Saturday, and has become a regular destination for pick ups and drop offs. One Thursday evening while waiting for a request, I decided I'd walk in and check it out. It's a huge place with a large dance floor, loud music and a great outdoor patio.
On this particular evening, they were featuring a "Boots and Boxers" dance contest for any male who wanted to jump on stage and break it down. I didn't know any of the details beyond that, but I stood from a distance and watched as people gathered around the stage to watch these guys do their thing. I was intrigued. It gave me a flashback to 1999, when my roommate and I were at a bar called Midnight Rodeo, which is still operating today. On that night, they requested guys compete for $50 in a beer belly dance off. For whatever reason, vodka probably being the main one, I got on stage and decided to bust a move. I don't remember a lot of what happened, other than leaving $50 richer.
I was interested to see what these young bucks had in them. They all seemed like good looking guys, and were all in shape, but their moves were disappointing. They all pretty much went on stage, took off their shirts, dropped their pants and flexed. I'm now in my 40's, my legs really don't work, I'm out of shape, and walk with a cane, but I'm pretty sure I could have gotten up there and won whatever the prize was that night. Once the contest ended after midnight, I began to receive a lot of ride requests. My first riders were a couple of young ladies who said the top prize was $150. I thought to myself, if I would have known that, I may have walked my handicapped ass on stage to collect that money. I mean, if you've read any of my other blog posts, you already know I put on my own "Boots and Boxers" show, in a convenience store, in broad daylight, for those who had not been drinking.
Several weeks later, I returned to the same establishment. I sat in my car for a while, waiting for a ride request. I finally got out and started talking to some of the bouncers/staff outside. They mentioned again, it was "Boots and Boxers" night. I started thinking back to what I had seen the last time I was there. What a great blog story I'd have if I actually got up on that stage.......
This time I went on in, found a comfortable couch and sat down. I figured I'd watch these guys robotically move around the stage, then turn my app back on and take people home. I cringedly watched 6 or 7 dudes do their thing. I'd had enough!!! This crowd needed an experienced former champion, with all the right moves. There were 6 female judges who would each choose a finalist, sitting in front of the stage. I could have been the father of each and every one of them. The emcee of this contest looked at me and said, "Do you want in? What's your name?" I said, "just tell them it's their Uber driver." He looked at me with a huge grin while shaking his head up and down in acceptance.
Dear Lord, what did I just do? There is no turning back now. "And our next contestant.....here is your friendly local Uber driver!!!" I slowly began to climb the steps on to the stage. I knew once I got to the top, I'd be met with awkward silence, boos or cheers. To my relief, I heard a huge roar of cheers. Things are off to a good start. The DJ quickly changes the music to "Pony" by Genuine. Oh no he didn't......they should have just handed me the cash right then! I walk towards a large wooden pole at center stage. I'll need this for stability once I rid myself of my cane. I throw my hands up in the air, as a signal to the crowd, that it's about to go down! Again, I get a huge roar from the crowd. I know from watching the other contestants, that my time is limited, so I must take advantage of every precious second. My body begins to move with the beat as I begin to unbutton my collared shirt. I know removing my shirt to unveil this Dad-Bod is a risk, but it's one I've gotta take. I get halfway down, then rip it off! Buttons go flying into the crowd of mostly 20 somethings. They absolutely erupt!!! Next I unbuckle the belt, rip it off and slap the stage floor with it, as my shorts fall to my ankles. This brings an explosion of cheers, then the music volume goes down. That's my cue that my time has come to an end. I felt as though I had just got started, but I was positive I had done enough to make an impression, and would be chosen to move on to round two. Each of the 6 judges were drawn before the contest and had to pick one man to move on. It was clear each judge knew at least one of the contestants, and had chosen their buddy to move on. Not only was I a bit disappointed when I was not chosen, but so were the swarm of people that had been cheering me on. They began chanting "Uber, Uber, Uber". I gave them a wave, dressed myself and headed outside to wait for my next ride request. I was greeted with lots of handshakes and pats on the back as I made my way out. They even asked if I'd come back again.
It was a lot of fun and a fantastic story, but I politely declined. I'm officially retiring the "Dad-Bod" from all future contests.